I talked to frankie the other day. It was great. I havent spoken to him since February. It really brought back all the feelings i had for him. I know he was my frist love, and i still love him. When we broke up i was so depressed i aint going to lie. I was depressed as fuck, crying all day, not eating, not sleeping, not thinking..just crying. That was my life for over a month. I really didnt want to lose him, but i know it was best for both of us. All we knew how to do was fight, fight, and fight. When we fight i see nothing but how much i hate him and what a good for nothing boyfriend he was and thats all i saw in him since all we did do was fight. I knew he was a great boyfriend i just forgot, but now i remember after being treated like shit by christian. I saw that frankie was always there for me. When we broke up he came over the next day to see if i was okay. The next week he came over and we layed down and i cried SO HARD for three hours. He hugged me for three hours trying to make me feel better. I love him for that. I realized i wasnt a great girlfriend to him. Now that i've grown a lot this past summer and his past relationship i was in. Well overall i'm happy that frankie and i are talking again, because he truly was my bestfriend. He was there for me when everyone else wasnt. He has a way of making me believe that everything will be okay. And i know everything is going to be okay as long as he's there. =)

never take the easy way out.

why?

because god never gives you anything you cant handle. By taking the easy way out it's saying you can't handle it.

But what if it's so hard..like you cant deal with it.

Yes you can. You have to believe you can. You cant just give up. Just think after all the bullshit im going to be stronger instead of taking the easy way out and not learning anything.

You have no clue how bad you hurt me. I don't deserve this i deserve better. I was nothing but understanding towards you and your feelings. You fucked me over, but i didnt complain. You hurt me and i stuck by your side. You lied to me and i still trust you. You disrespected me yet i still respected you. You walked all over me and i did nothing, but think about your happiness. You blamed everything on me and i cried. No more. I am tired. I'm tired of feeling like i deserve you that your the  best person in the world. I'm tired of feeling sad and having your friends make me feel better. I'm tired of being walked all over. I'm tired of holding back my anger, but if it wasnt for you i wouldnt be this mad in the first place. I'm over you. Your going to wake up one morning thinking, "damn she was a great girlfriend. She understood me. She stuck by my side no matter how much i pushed her away." You called me a bitch. I stuck by your side. You friends helped me more then you. You friends know about me more then you. that's sad. Its pathetic. Step your game up foool. Grow up. Hopefully because of your ignorance and stupidity that you will only lose me. Hopefully this will help you change, because i promise you this..you will lose everything if you keep this up. I PROMISE.

Christian and i are on a 'break' I wasnt hurt i was more relief because it felt like all the fights that we never solved we let go or I let go. Does that makes sense? It feels like we are somewhat starting over again, but were not we are just going to go back were we left off if we get back together. It felt like taking a break was the best thing to do since i couldnt be happy with the way he was. I accepted it, but i wasnt happy with it. I don't want him to look back and think, "Damn if i wasnt with Angel maybe i couldnt went to more parties." I dont want him to regret anything. He would always tell me, "Our relationship has no time limit." I hate it when he says that cause it's hella cute and true. Eventually he's going to have to grow up and get out of the party life, so i want him to have as much fun as possible. As for me i know i'm not going to be in a relationship with anyone anytime soon. If i am in one i will probably only be with Christian. Eww that sounds like i'm in love with him..haha but i'm not. I Just like him alot. So someone asked me if i was happy. I said i'm happy if Christian is happy. I believe that if you are with someone then you guys break up and you can truly say as long as that person is happy then i'm happy too then that goes to show that you reall care about them. Does that make sense? haha okay yeah.

"I cant get it back, but
I dont want it back, I
Realized that,
he dont know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet"

"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges."
-Joseph F. Newton

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so hurt. People say, "You care too much." I've realized that i do. I put people's feelings before mines. Especially Christian's feelings. People asked, "Why are you still with him? He doesnt deserve you." I care about him way to much. I'm a ride or die chick. When there are problems i won't leave. I know for a fact that deep down somewhere in Christian is that great guy that swept me off my feet. The same guy who i honestly was falling for. The guy who would calls me throughout the day to tell me he misses me. I know he's confused and he wants to party i guess? And he feels that he cant do that. I'm the type of person who will not want to kill someone's night. If im hurting like crazy then i'm hurting like crazy i won't tell you because i know it'll kill your night. I put up with a lot of bullshit from a lot of people. I stood by frankie's side for 9 months.

I've been holding things in because i was not ready to tell him, but because i care about this relationship we have i'm ready to tell him. After last night i question if he even deserve to know. I've got so many people telling me not to tell him, but i want to tell him. I'm ready..well so i thought i was..i dont know anymore.

Saturday morning started out bad from the night before. I had to wake up early and i had no sleep. I went to cotillion practice. I was there pretty early because i thought it started at 9, but really it was 9:30, BUT we didnt start till 10:30. Well so Kathie got there with Luke and we decided to go to Starbucks. I spilled all over my tank top, Not even just a drop but a damn 'waterfall' haha. It was picture day too. Each couple takes a picture together. Well so i had to hide it with my other shirt. So we finished the waltz and started the cha cha. At first it looked really hard and i thought Andrew and i wouldnt get it, but we did =). It was hot too! Well basically going to cotillion practice really mad me feel better because i was really upset. <3

You by far are the most stupidest person in the world.
You failed at everything you ever tired to do in life.

I've been really emotionally maybe because i'm on my period. Iono. Well so school is retarted i failed two classes this semster. I told my mom that i would not be able to catch up in a month. Oh well. I'm pretty pissed i was crying because i swear i worked hella hard to catch up when i left for three weeks. Other then that i'm going to miss all the seniors a lot of them i looked up to and stuff. Then Christian is having some problems and stuff. He's being emotionally and i have no clue what's going on with him, so i cant comfort him even though i wish i could. I'm happy that Missy and i are talking without her yelling at me and with me listening to her. haha yanoe? Well yeah so we talked to like 45 mins the other day. Even though it felt like we were both being fake about us talking and all that stuff iono i guess it's a start. I miss her.

Since Frankie i broke up i went into a depress mode typa shit. Whatever though. I didnt look at any of our pictures, videos and all that stuff. Like i had a whole folder of us with pictures, and everything. basically out whole relationship. Well i didnt look at it. Finally i did today. I wanted to see if i was really over him. I was reading everything i wrote on Livejournal about him. I looked at our videos, pictures and stuff. I felt myself becoming sad, but happy. I was sad because i miss him, and wondered what it would of been like if we were still together. But then happy because i learn a lot for our relationship, and happy that i've found someone that makes me feel happy. I know that if i stayed in the relationship with frankie that it would just end up bad. Worst then it did. It just wouldnt be a good situation for both of us. There are a lot of things i would of done different in our relationship, but now i learn and wont make the same mistakes twice. Just give me a chance.

I hate it when he's late 80% of the time. Or when we talk on the phone he gets distracted ALL the time and leaves me on the phone while he's talking to someone. All those times random girls that i dont know or don't even talk to message me saying, "Oh he was with my homegirl." Like that one time someone told me hes some girls baby daddy. Especially when he does things i don't like..for example drugs. Those times when he doesnt stop kissing me. I feel annoyed.

I love having butterflies before i see him. Or when he calles me i get a big smile on my face. All those times in class when i think about him and im just looking down with a smile on my face. Like that one time in english class. Especially when he does sweet things that sweep me off my feet..for example when he asked me out. Those wonderful moments we have together. i feel happy.

It's that typa Love and Hate relationship. Overall he's wonderful and the happiness i feel right now is amazing.

So life is kinda crapppy. Missy has been doing things that are really pissing me off. Like how she can talk shit about me to someone else. How she can tell Trista who's Christian's cousin about what happen with Benalyn and i. It's not her business nor is it Trista's to know about what happen. well that sucked that she said that especially since Christian told me Trista thinks missy is immature..whatever though

I've realized what friends are..who are true friends. True friends have your back through everything and anything. They are the ones when they know you are doing something wrong and are making a mistake, they tell you, but if they dont listen they sit back and watch you. Let you do it make a mistake..true friends are the ones there for you..the ones that catch you when you fall.

It was friday and i got out of school at 11. I was pretty annoyed because Christian came late to pick me up again, but whatever. So we went to get taco bell, went to Lyndl's house to eat and met up with everyone. So the plan was to go to Carmel but we didnt, so we were going to Frisko, but then we didnt, so then we went to Capitola whatever it called. Well on the way over there Christian was pretty pissed off so he was smoking while driving which was a bad idea but whatever. So he was going about 80 in a 55 zone. A cop pulled him over and he was hella lit. haha So everyone was freaking out because we had so much tree's and drinks in the car. But we finally got to Capitola and it wasnt that great so we just went to Santa Cruz. Justin kept getting lost and setting up the tent was hilarious. Well then Lyndl came so him and i went to build a sand castle and we were talking. Then i took a nap while Eric was stealing Christian from me. haha oh well. Then Lyndl, Christian and i went to write stuff all over the sand. After a while lyndl was just on the phone with karina because he really missed her. Well so Christian and i went to the lighthouse. I swear everyone and me thought he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend at the lighthouse but he didnt so i was like oh well..its not a big deal. So i was just sitting down and he was by the water with Lyndl. After about 5 mins i went over there to see what they were doing. He said Angel come here and lets go through the pictures. So i was going through it and there was all these pictures of writing on the sand, basically it said "Angel you make me happy and i would be content if you were my gf." something like that. I was SURPRISE! All i did was laugh because i was soooo surprised. haha, but yeah i said yes. =) Fun day <3

I've been busy with school coming to an end and all. This year went by so fast. Whoa then senior year. I can't wait. Well uhmm everything is going pretty good. Drama here and there, but whatever. Everything happens for a reason. 
"When one door closes another opens." 
Like everyone tells me high school is just a time in life where you learn the most. About yourself, your friends and everything that makes you who you are. High school helped me realize things, it helped me become a stronger person.

It was March 23 2007. I remember because it was blocked schedule at school. So this is what happen. I asked my mom if i can go out she said no. I cried so hard. I went home crying my butt off because i wasnt over my ex. i was so depressed and needed to go out to get my mind of things. So i asked God why am i like this. Why am i said i dont deserve this. I asked him to help me get through this. So then my mom finally let me go out. I went out with Benalyn, and missy.

There was this group of guys. Three of them. Missy knew one of them, Eric. Benalyn knew the other, Christian. The other one was name Alex. I remember thinking in my mind, "Whoa Christian is so hot, but i swear he'd never ever never ever go for me he's too hot." Then i told benalyn and she said oh yeah eric's hot. So we walked to the bench and they sat down. Benalyn and i went into Journeys to look at shoes then i hear missy say," OH ANGEL HE THINKS YOUR HOT TOO!" I was smiling for ear to ear. So he gave me his number and missy gave him my number. We said bye and hugged all 6 of us. haha Then we went into the movies and then we called them and asked them if they would like to watch a movie with us. Christian and Alex came along. So we did. It was fun.

After a day he didnt call. After a week..a month. Then finally when i came back from Vacation he asked to hang out. So we did. I mean i honestly do believe that the time we met wasnt the right time for us to talk or anything, because if we did talk i would of only used him as a rebound to get over Frankie.

So now we are going to prom together this Saturday. I'm very excited

I walk around and pretend that i'm okay. That i'm not hurt or scared, but the truth is i'm terrified out of my mind. The thought of letting another guy into my life. The thought of me giving him my all, loving him unconditionally, telling him my secrets, and all those things that come with being in a relationship. Truth is i'm scared. I really am. Then why am i talking to him? Honestly i wasnt planning on having a boyfriend anytime soon. Like i told Benalyn i don't think i'm ready yet. Then it was weird..it's werid. I started to talk to him, and i don't know. It felt right. It felt that it's the right time now, because when we first met i guess it wasnt the right time. He was busy, talking to another girl? or whatever i don't know, and i was honestly just going to use him as my rebound. Well now it seems like its a good time to talk and possibly get into a relationship with him. He's having a lot of problems in his life and i believe i can help him get though it. I can give him that extra push to become a way better person. Not that he's  a bad person he's a great guy but to get his life on track. I dont know. I don't want to think about being with him too much because what if it doesnt happen. Honestly i dont know how it is to talk to someone because i was with frankie for so long. I forgot. I'm just trying to be chill with everything.  ahh we'll see.

So i went to the Philippines that's why i havent been writing in this. Well the flight was scary. I swear my ass was scared as fuck! My brother be sitting down all happy and shit and there i am next to him hella scared. haha, but yeah so i was happy. The frist week there i realized how much i've missed my family. That was my first time going out with my REAL cousins. Like really family. We hung out like  we where friends. I learn to cherish my family. I miss them! Well i was careful with what i drank. I didnt drink the water. The heat honestly killed it for me, but i tried to enjoy it as much as possible. So yeah i don't want to go into detail too much. So basically i had  a great time! <3

There was only one person that i really missed. HAHA of course the sister Benalyn. I had so much to tell her. I missed her soo much while i was there. Now i'm back! I'm happy. i miss her right now. =/

So i love frankie still. Nothing will change the fact that i will love him for a long  long time. But it doesnt mean i cant move on with my life and try to find someone for me. So i came back and Christian a guy i met about two months ago wanted to hang out. So we did and i guess you can say we hit it off real well. He's super hot, and he's like the type of guy (lookwise) that i wanna be with. Anyways so we've been hanging out a lot, and i guess we are talking now? haha yeah we are. He's my prom date. He's great and he makes me happy. I was thinking in class and i thought whoa i havent felt like this about a guy since frankie, and damn that was a year ago. But i do have to say i have my guards up with Christian. Well all guys at this time. I like him though. He's a great guy <3

I worked out! For the first time in a long long long time! haha it was fun. My legs kind of hurt right now though. This friday sister! <3 You, me and 'OUR' camera..haha we are going to make fools outta ourselves.

Okay so sunday night.
I was talking to Kylee and she told me that frankie is talking to someone. More then two girls i guess or whatever. But i was shocked. Cause i asked him straight up,

" If the reason you don't want to be with me is cause you wanna go fuck around then alright just tell me." He was like "Nahh girls arent even on my mind." 

Dude! Wtf be real you dumb ass motherfucker! Hella fake. He's hella fake foreals tho.  On top of that he needa be a man and say w'sup yanoe? I asked him straight up and he still fucking lied. Whatta bitch! anyways 

I cried. Cause i was hurt of course. I called Anthony and started to cry to him. Thanks for being there tho! Then i called one of frankie's homeboy up. Cause i needed someone to talk to that knew frankie. So what helped me feel better is that we talked shit about him. It's sad tho, but it made me feel better. I mean frankie honestly get new friends, cause apparently none of them really like you. the thing is tho i knew that while i was with him, but i didnt want to hurt his feelings. Now its like..i feel bad for you cause you roll with people that don't like you too much. Anyways so he made me feel a lot better. So thanks. I just hate the fact that frankie lied and shit yanoe? Hella stupid. that was a BITCH MOVE!

So after all that my lady missy calls me. Basically Missy is talking to Kyle the guy from the club. I was also dancing with Joseph who is Kyle's bestfriend. Well i guess Joseph wanted to chill and watch a movie with me, Kyle and missy, but i had boo boo work. OH well. Sunday night missy calls me and tells me that Joseph wants my number. So i'm like owee! haha but yeah. Anyways i'm still pissed about frankie being a lil bitch. Couldnt even say the truth. Its the fact that i asked him face to face and he still said no.

Last weekend was INSANE! One of the best weekends ever. I spent it all with my lady missy. I love her. Well this is how it started. Lainey and i were talking. She doesnt talk a lot, but honestly i know we are close even though we hardly talk. Well we were talking and she said lets go chill tonight. I said okay! I'm chillen with missy since you know her too lets all chill. So then i took a nap when i got home friday. They called me and asked what are we going to do. I said i will call up missy. Then Anh and Stephanie flaked out on going to the club so Missy and i werent going anymore cause we wanted to go with at least 4 girls. But missy and i still wanted to go though. So we thought okay April and Lainey should go clubbin with us. Laineys man was being a bug-a-boo though. Its took much sometimes. Anyways so we got ready i wore some white shorts, a black tank top that like see thru so you can see my back, and black leg warmers. Hella cute! Well then Heather and Michelle picked Missy, April, Lainey and i up. Girls night out! Well we got there and we were like wtf this shit aint crackin cause there wasnt a line outside. So Lainey, Missy and i took a couple shots of hen before we got inside. We got inside i there wasnt that many people. I mean foreals. But whatever feelme. Just make the best outta it. Girls night out anyways! So we got inside and just said fuck it lets dance. Within like 15 mins after getting there frankie's friends see me. I was like ugh! Please i hope frankie aint here i swear i dont wanna see him. Good thing he wasnt and they just said hi and stuff. Then we started to dance more. Connie had a boy with her they kept dancing and his two other homeboys were there too. So then Connie and Missy was dancing with two guys. Then this guy goes up to me and says 'whuss good wit you girl." then we start dancing. And i'm like dang homeboy you can dance. So i was fuckin tired and fuck tho! but i kept going. Then i thought how is this boy gon be sweating and shit yet smell good cause damn he smelled good through out the whole time. So yeah we danced i left  to go to the bathroom and shit. Came back danced some more with the guy. All i know is that he's a senior, his name is Joseph and he goes to Miliptas. hahah but yeah. So then we just kept dancing the whole night. Missy danced with Frankies homeboy  but then was like nahh he cant dance for shit! haha we left the club around 12 or something and called it a night. Girls night out! It was fun.

Sat Morning. I woke up with a hangover. Hella hungry and shit. So missy and i ate and then got ready cause she wanted to get a hair cut. We chilled with Daniel. We went to greatmall to get a present for missy's friend then went to drop it off. Went to Davids house after, went to eat tk, then went to blue jeans then back to Davids house were we all got ready for HIN. We got to HIN hella late cause Stepahnie was lagggggin like crazy. We got there i was wishin not to see frankie cause i heard he was gon be there. We went to the back were my homegirl april and my homeboy robert was at. His homeboy james had a car at the showcase. A car called Z. well we took a picture with them and my girls and i where dressed kinda skanky. hahah skirts and shit. So we took a picture and i guess guys thought we were models and asked to take pictures with us. So i was like uhhh alright?! haha so we just took pics it wasnt crackin too much so we left. But then drama happen. Stephanie Pee'd on missy playboy blanket and shit. then missy got pissed off! But whatever. David, Daniel, Missy and i went back to Milpitas then we got high at Qcup! hah then justin came to pick us up then dropped us off.

Sunday was pretty chill, but justin is hella gay! foreals. whatever i'll talk more about him later. but that was my weekend helllla crackin tho! Girls night out fuck the guys!